I've been sitting here for a while now with my hands all itchy. I just can't sleep without writing it all out. There was something in my head earlier--something I thought I should write about. But it's gone. It just didn't seem like the topic my hands have been itching for.

I just had to look at his profile one more time. He hasn't confirmed my FB invite yet and I kind of feared that he has rejected it.

Rejected it? I might have been happier if he had rejected it. But anyway,,,as I was saying, I had to look at his pictures again anyway. But something made me close the window. I'm just not sure what it was. It just felt so wrong. There are a lot of things I've been wanting to know, but not in that way. It feels like I've been intruding in his life. If I wanted to know everything about him, I wish I could go ask him directly.

There's goes number 1 of my grown-up christmas list.

I just wish I'd have the chance to get to know him. Not through facebook, not through friendster, not through multiply. Just. Him. I wish I wish I wish.

Of course, knowing Him, He wouldn't grant me that wish. Of course, of course, of course. Not that I don't have faith. But there's just no reason for Him to hear me out. He's probably busy about some other things.

Am I taunting now? Yeah, probably. But I'm human. I'm powerless. Taunting seems cheap, but it's just taunting and it's probably the only thing I can do to console myself. Pity.

Isang pasada. Baka bukas, hindi ko na 'to magawang sabihin. Hindi ko na 'to magawang aminin sa lahat at sa sarili ko.

San ba ko magsisimula? Sa simula ng lahat? Sa simula ng lahat na hanggang ngayon ay pilit ko paring hinuhukay. Parang bottomless iced tea lang. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan at gaano karami pa ang kailangan kong inumin para lang makita ang ugat ng lahat ng bumabagabag sakin.

Ng makita ko si Ella sa Shang kanina, napilitan akong umamin. Si Ella na siyang nakatira sa Project 6 na walking distance lang sa Trinoma, ay nasa Shang.

"O e ano naman?" Kung hindi ako ikaw, yun ang iisipin mo. Pero the fact na nakakita ako ng ka-college ko sa Shang ay medyo kakaiba. At sa lahat ng taong pwede kong makita, si Ella pa. Kung ako ikaw, sa isang saglit iisipin mong baka pwede ka nang umasa. Sa susunod na segundo ay kukumbinsihin mo na ang sarili mong hindi ito senyas. Wala lang yan. At tulad ng ibang tao na hindi ako, iisipin mo narin ang "O e ano naman?"

In a sense, sa loob ng kalahating minuto, hinanap ko ang sarili ko, nahanap ko ang sarili ko, at nawala ko din itong muli.

Ano ba talagang pinatutunguhan ko? Hindi ko din alam.

Ayokong maghintay pero ayoko ding kumilos. Dahil 'pag ako ay lumapit pa ng kahit isang hakbang...

Hakbang...

Sasalubungin lang ako ng kay dami-daming tanong.

"Hindi ka ba natatakot sa kung anung malalaman mo?"

"Anong gagawin mo pagkaraos mo sa hakbang na ito?"

"Kaya mo bang panindigan ang desisyon mo?"

At higit sa lahat, ang pinakamatinding tanong na maaari kong harapin...

"O e ano naman?"

Sinasabi ko sayo, ilang beses ko narin naisipang tigilan na itong walang kwentang larong ito. Pero sa huli, siya parin ang pinag-dadasal ko. Siya parin ang hinahanap ko. Bakit ganun? Wala naman siyang kinalaman sa buhay ko. Hindi ko din alam.

Sa parehong paraan na hindi ko din alam kung bakit niya ko napapangiti. Sa parehong paraan na hindi ko alam kung bakit parin ako umaasa sa napaka nipis na sinulid na nagdudugtong sa amin. Sa parehong paraan na hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko alam.

Ang tanging dahilan lang na nahukay ko galing sa sampung buwan kong pinagdadasal ang mundo ay dahil gusto ko yung tao. Gustong-gusto ko talaga siya. Wala nang magkakaila niyan. Pero ano nga bang mararating niyang pagkagusto na yan? Hindi naman porket gusto mo ang isang tao ay maari mo na siyang habulin at itali sa tabi mo. Hindi naman porket gusto mo ang isang tao, siya'y mapapasayo.

Balik nanaman tayo sa dakila kong tanong:

"O e ano naman?"

Humans are such fools, wishing for what they can't have. Such. Such. Big. Fools.

Maybe, it's what actually makes us human.

What's even more foolish is that when we don't get what we want, we think it's because we deserve something better.

What makes you think you're that fortunate?

You don't get the things you want because you're undeserving. You're the problem. Someone like you isn't even worth listening to.

Foolish. Foolish humans.

Two of my closest friends asked for an explanation. And so, here it is.

Why do I plan to let go of my efforts of closing the overwhelming gap between us when I've already invested so much?

I really took my time to formulate this excuse. I'm a doer. I figure out my reasons a little later.

But no, I don't plan to forget him at all. After all, he is my inspiration. He's a reason. To what? I don't know yet. But the thought of him still makes me smile, or laugh, even. The thought of him still makes my heart stop. And I love that feeling. I'm not letting go of it. Nikki sees how I literally jump whenever I see him. How enthusiastic I get whenever we talk about him.

I had the chance to observe him. I finally found streaks of his personality--streaks that were taken from my own judgment. Streaks that I dug from those valuable moments wherein I observed him while we worked. And I can see what he thinks of me. I can see the first impression I've made on him. And it was like the first impression that I've made on everybody else. Haha, it would be really funny if he thinks I'm intimidating! I'm not sure of that though. But at least I'm sure that I've somehow made a mark. Although that mark is from the Stacey who's a mad perfectionist--the one who gets all disappointed when things don't go the way they should be. The one who's willing to kill anyone who's a threat to the plan. Not her own plan, of course. Just...the original plan.

And he smiled at me inspite of that. Inspite of the frustrated look I had on my face, he smiled at me to cheer me up and cheer me on. And, well, I couldn't help but smile back.

That smile. The most incredible smile I've ever seen--partly because it's for me. That's what made me decide to hold back for a second and fix my life before I dive deeper. What does that mean? It means that I'm willing to go further than I had originally planned. (Yes, things didn't go as I planned again. But I'm willing to risk the impulse, too.) Why? Because he makes me want to.

...

It's really not that complicated. :)

...

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if he found out that my friends took that Happy Birthday picture for me.

It's time. It's time for me to forget about everything that's romantic about life. Romance would just pave more paths for bitterness and emotional breakdowns. And really, with everything that's happened for the past 20 years, I can say that Romance is nothing more than, well, it's nothing more than anything. We still have everything to think about and this mushy stuff will just hinder all the other deeper thoughts we need to manage. It's basically a waste of time while I can be thinking about everything else.

I need to forget you now. Put you somewhere else. It's the first step I'll take to loving myself. Romance is a Death Sentence.

There's my peace of mind. I will finally be able to study. I should try my luck in the Dean's List again this semester.

There are a lot of things that I've realized since I got myself into this new pilgrimage. There's something about me that needs to manifest. Something that I can put in front of every stupid aspect of this creature called Stacey--in front of the scared, pathetic little child that loves putting herself down. I need to find my own thousand-pound diamond shovel and start digging around for it. That something has been gaining me people's respect for the past, um, eight years, I think. It may become the reason for me to be eternally grateful that I am me and not somebody else.

I shall continue searching, don't worry. After all, if there's one sin that God can't forgive, it must have something to do about giving up on life or throwing it away.

A reflection that I must reinstate in my mind after it had been impeached and reinstated, impeached and reinstated, impeached and reinstated, and impeached again.

There is no other way to describe myself. But I am incredibly optimistic so I'd like to think of it as me loving myself a little more. Because I should really learn that craft. Although I feel very conscious about how proud people think I am, I've decided that at some point, we all need to be proud of what and who we are.

(But what is the real reason about me trying to learn how to love myself? It's because I want to experience loving someone else. Sorry, but I think it's a reason worth a thousand miles. And it sounds like bull, but that's it. Oh, here I go again.)

At least when there's no one else to believe in me, I'll believe in myself. Because I can, not because I have to.

Is there logic in what I'm trying to say? After all, it's something people have been trying to tell me for YEARS! TEN LONG YEARS!

I will learn to love myself eventually. I should have realized it sooner--that not taking pride in anything is all there is to hate.

I think we should all learn to love ourselves. But not too much. :) Join me?

So this is the start of December.

The big red rope wraps itself around my arms. I feel like I'll be shutting down. Someone has been wanting to shut me up since the beginning.

If only that person could, that person will definitely lock me up with Santa Claus.

I'm not afraid of Santa Claus. I just hate him so damn much. He's practically a slap on my face. Like, hey, it's Christmas. We're all happy. You're not.

That person would find it very amusing to lock me inside a cage made of solid gold with Santa. Just for the laugh.

We're locked up. It seems that people hate seeing us strutting our stuff and laying our hearts on the street. People hate people who try their best to be REAL and sincere. People hate. People hate. Oh, how people hate me.

I'm just trying to be real. For your information, I am affectionate. When I tell people I love them, I really do. When I tell people it's okay and I don't mind, I really don't mind. If I were incredibly fake, I wouldn't be writing this insanely aggravating entry about how frustrated I am.

AGH. There goes my "I'm going to be happy this Christmas" mask.

It's all I've been praying for. One year that would indefinitely break my shit of a cycle. And although it's already turning into what it usually is, I really don't want a bad December.

Who are you to tell me what I should wish for?

I am a complete human being. I have a life. I deserve to be happy as much as you all do.

Hunger Games is my current favorite book. I just didn't think I would be living inside it very soon after I finished reading it.

Truthfully, this is the life we're living because we deliberately chose to look at it this way. We've been locked inside an island that has been conjured from another Gamemaker's imagination to kill each other until one of us emerges as the victor.

I am very, very, very sure that that victor's not going to be me. I have a somehow concrete idea who it's going to be.

We didn't know. We're now trying to put each other down. At some point, we built our own temporary alliances so that it'd be easier to kill the others. But in the end, we're going to have to kill our own comrades.

Let's just kill each other and die together, shall we?