There is no other way to describe myself. But I am incredibly optimistic so I'd like to think of it as me loving myself a little more. Because I should really learn that craft. Although I feel very conscious about how proud people think I am, I've decided that at some point, we all need to be proud of what and who we are.

(But what is the real reason about me trying to learn how to love myself? It's because I want to experience loving someone else. Sorry, but I think it's a reason worth a thousand miles. And it sounds like bull, but that's it. Oh, here I go again.)

At least when there's no one else to believe in me, I'll believe in myself. Because I can, not because I have to.

Is there logic in what I'm trying to say? After all, it's something people have been trying to tell me for YEARS! TEN LONG YEARS!

I will learn to love myself eventually. I should have realized it sooner--that not taking pride in anything is all there is to hate.

I think we should all learn to love ourselves. But not too much. :) Join me?

So this is the start of December.

The big red rope wraps itself around my arms. I feel like I'll be shutting down. Someone has been wanting to shut me up since the beginning.

If only that person could, that person will definitely lock me up with Santa Claus.

I'm not afraid of Santa Claus. I just hate him so damn much. He's practically a slap on my face. Like, hey, it's Christmas. We're all happy. You're not.

That person would find it very amusing to lock me inside a cage made of solid gold with Santa. Just for the laugh.

We're locked up. It seems that people hate seeing us strutting our stuff and laying our hearts on the street. People hate people who try their best to be REAL and sincere. People hate. People hate. Oh, how people hate me.

I'm just trying to be real. For your information, I am affectionate. When I tell people I love them, I really do. When I tell people it's okay and I don't mind, I really don't mind. If I were incredibly fake, I wouldn't be writing this insanely aggravating entry about how frustrated I am.

AGH. There goes my "I'm going to be happy this Christmas" mask.

It's all I've been praying for. One year that would indefinitely break my shit of a cycle. And although it's already turning into what it usually is, I really don't want a bad December.

Who are you to tell me what I should wish for?

I am a complete human being. I have a life. I deserve to be happy as much as you all do.

Hunger Games is my current favorite book. I just didn't think I would be living inside it very soon after I finished reading it.

Truthfully, this is the life we're living because we deliberately chose to look at it this way. We've been locked inside an island that has been conjured from another Gamemaker's imagination to kill each other until one of us emerges as the victor.

I am very, very, very sure that that victor's not going to be me. I have a somehow concrete idea who it's going to be.

We didn't know. We're now trying to put each other down. At some point, we built our own temporary alliances so that it'd be easier to kill the others. But in the end, we're going to have to kill our own comrades.

Let's just kill each other and die together, shall we?

I'm going back to that place tomorrow. That place. The place that I've discovered was too shallow for me. The place where I thought I've proven myself but ended up having to prove myself even more. That place where Immaturity hides behind the prettiest faces and Hatred recoils behind the youngest hearts. Where even Care strips itself apart from its feeble hosts and cowers behind those unnoticed.

I simply wrote this for the sake of my poetic needs. But then I realized that what I've written places descriptions that are horribly exact for what I'm referring to. It was when I stepped outside what I thought was my comfort zone when I found that the bigger reality holds every little meaningful thing in its hands. In simple terms, the world changes away from your own little country--away from all the FAKE faces you see everyday. And then you learn to categorize the so-called human beings that you cared so much for. Do you really need to care for them? Yes, you do, of course...after all you've been through together. But the bond you thought you built yourself might have been severed or might have been unreal. Or you might just get tired of caring altogether.

You're probably the only reason why I'd want to go to school everyday. Thank God for your smile. It'll keep me going for the next few months of trying to grow up amidst a crowd that refuses to acknowledge their age.

How I'd love to exist without being noticed--away from the company of ragged dolls and plastic balls.

*click*
Shifting brain configurations...
Current Status: Abnormal; 17,000,000,000 Mb/sec
Morality Settings: undefined
Creativity Settings: -217% normal
Inspiration Settings: undefined
Blood Pressure: cannot be determined at current rate
*click*

Turning on robotic functions...
*click*
Turning off all brain-unrelated functions...
*click*
Turning off brainwashing functions...
*click*

Please check signal cable...

*****
Mistakes...mistakes...mistakes...

Once you make them, you can never get them out of your head.

They've always been there. But you can never tell when they will actually jump out at you... At least not until you've lost something.

That's why sometimes, I'd wish I was some kind of greasy machina that would do nothing but step on every human's ego without even trying.

Shifting language settings to Taglish...*click*
Please check signal cable...

And I wouldn't need to change my language settings just to express myself better. Because then, you'll have to check signal cables again when supposedly, you'd only check them when your stupid robot is turned off.

Steering back to the left ventricle...

Kapag ikaw ay isang malaking aksidente, natural, hindi sasabihin sa'yo ng mga magulang mo na ikaw ay isang malaking pagkakamali.

Hindi ko sinasabing ako yun ha. Dahil sigurado akong hindi ako aksidente. Tao ako.
Tao, tao.

Parang kahit ilang beses ko sabihin ang salitang TAO, hindi parin yata makuha ng ibang kauri ko. Siguro masyado na itong nagamit. Gamit na gamit, unti-unting nalalaspag, unti-unting nawawalan ng saysay.

Ang salitang TAO, nagiging kasingkahulugan na ng PAGKAKAMALI.

Imperfection, now, has become the mark of man. It makes the word MAN sound like an archetype--just some stupid symbol. And that's the whole point of it... how judgemental.

Kahit si Superman, ano? Kaya mayroon paring "MAN" sa pangalan niya...kahit anong gawin niya, mayroon parin siyang natatanging kahinaan.

Hindi naman sa gusto kong maging diyos. Pero bakit lahat nalang ng bagay sa mata ng isang tao, MALI? Kung hindi man, HINDI NIYA KAYA? Anak ng tokwa, para 'san pa't pinanganak ka?

You're probably the most beautiful mistake I've ever made.

'DI BA?

No, you were an accident. Just a simple accident that I couldn't avoid... or rather, I chose not to avoid.

'DI BA?

WARNING! Remove unidentified object immediately!
Injecting termination device...
Object terminated...

All files have been deleted.
Insert backup...
*click*

Backup unaccepted.
Automatic Shutdown... 3,,,,,2,,,,,1,,,,,

Please check signal cable.

splattering splatters of water.
shame hitting like thunder.
fifty hurdles to get over.
three chocolates to get you through winter.

how do you survive with that?

a light shining brighter than the sun.
turn it off, all your life begone.
but though water to you is suicide,
you try to look for what you'll find.

it's like a big strike off the pitch.
hails in hell?
rain in venus?
jupiter without a ring?

that's how impossible it is.
now can you tell me that "impossible" is nothing?

is it possible for Shylock to be a Christian?
is it possible for Einstein to rise from the dead?

***this is actually a repost. but back when i first wrote it, I was happy. Happy because of a certain 20 minutes of my life that i surely cannot remember. This time though, highlight the impossibilities. that's how impossible i'm feeling now.

i'm the hail in hell.
i'm the rain in venus.
i'm jupiter's ring and i just disappeared.

"ilang metro nga ba ang kailangan mong takbuhin? Eh kung alam mong wala kang pupuntahan, bakit ka pa tumakbo? Para kang isang kandidato sa eleksyon. Kumandidato ka pa eh alam mo namang kakaunting liko lang ng comelec eh nadaya ka na, talo ka pa. Napaka-pesimistiko ko pala. pero nabudburan ko na yan ng katotohanan kasi lagi namang may nandadaya, kahit wala."

PERFECT.

Everyone already knows that I've deactivated my Facebook account. As a result, I actually finished my homeworks twice as fast. Which is really amazing because I really do need to double-time. I think I might have taken much more than I can handle.

I've become impulsive recently. Even (gulp) desperate. But Jerald would rather describe it as "committed". Committed to the wrong thing, really. I need someone or something to justify my actions. Carpe diem has finally become an understatement, now that I think about it, in my life.

But what Luge said is right.

"You have to decide what's more important to you: keeping your pride and getting nothing or taking a risk and maybe, having everything."

Last semester, I chose my studies over something that's really important to me. It was the logical thing to do, really, and I might have failed a subject or two if I didn't do it this way.

But hey, I have two weeks. This is the chance I've been praying for for months. And there's a lot more I need to prove aside from that I can be happy while killing myself gradually.

I can do this. COME ON.

It was the decision to listen and point out what's wrong. It was a decision to help the poor in spirit. It was the decision to claim my own peace of mind and kill the anger or whatever that was consuming me before.

I have to keep these things in mind. I can't remember if there's anything wrong with what I've done. I fear that people will misunderstand. But I should, and I would, remember that I had good intentions. I still have good intentions. They can't tell me that I had no right to interfere because I was directly involved in this. They got me involved in this and I want to fix it.

I've learned one thing today. I need to be professional. I need to keep my head straight and I need to keep my feet on the ground. I've lived with a conscience this powerful--might as well keep it that way.

Powerful. Almighty conscience.

Becoming a true friend is an ambition that's way beyond Medicine. It's a lot harder than it sounds. In Medicine, your mind will be boggled by different questions like "what are the bones of the human body" and the like. But in becoming a true friend comes "Have I been fair to everyone?" and "Did I make the wrong turn?" or "Was I that tactless?" It's bullshit. Thank God if my decision really was wrong, at least I'll have one person who'll believe me.

A therapist also needs a therapist. I'll have at least one who'll believe that I made the right decision...all the way. Thank God she never let me go.

I need strength to stand up for my own beliefs. Because I know that I've given someone a chance--a ray of hope that I'm sure no one else would bother give her. I know. And I'm sure that I'm right.

I'm right.

Though I've always been wrong, at least here's one thing that I've done that's right.

I'm right. I'm right. Whew. I'm right...